On Breastfeeding and Halloween

It's almost Halloween and I am probably the most excited member of the family when it comes to pumpkin carving. In my newfound baby/birthing/nursing geekiness, this year I realised I could carve the International Breastfeeding Logo onto a pumpkin. And so I did. (We are also toying with writing "Boo - b!" on it, all depends on D who is in charge of the letters.) So here it is, your own preview before we set the pumpkin on our windowsill. Here in the UK, the sight of a breastfeeding mother might actually spook some more than you would expect, we'll see what happens...

I've taken a long hiatus from writing on the blog, caught between the chaos of traveling during the holidays and the chaos of getting back to Oxford and re-establishing our routine, while also gearing up for Ruben's first birthday (he is officially 1 year old!) All through out I have often thought that I wanted to write an entry about breastfeeding, particularly designed for the mothers I know who are expecting their first baby. Here are a couple of things I learnt with Ruben when it came to breastfeeding...

1. Find the Breastfeeding Mamas.
While you will likely have enough milk to feed your baby, you might not have enough support to do it, so start looking for a Breastfeeding Community! (And don't rely on family and friends only: they mean well, but aren't necessarily up to date with good evidence based information.)
Before Ruben was born, my breastfeeding (BF) knowledge was very limited. I had a vague memory of seeing my mother breastfeeding my younger sister, but not much else. My main worry was that I might not be able to breastfeed because of a small chance that I wouldn't "have enough milk".  I have since learned that while there exists a small percentage of cases in which a woman does not have enough glandular tissue in her breasts to produce milk, most cases in which BF ends prematurely are caused by the lack of support and evidence based information a mother receives. There is so much to tweak and rework when it comes to breastfeeding, and the best thing that happened to Ruben and I was finding a community of mothers who either had or were breastfeeding (the local La Leche League group and the Baby Cafe in our neighbourhood, for instance.) Especially in the first 3 months of Ruben's life, I had so many questions, worries, and moments when I doubted myself and my ability to take care of him. At those times, I thrived on the support of both peers and BF professionals (please read that as "people who don't give advice based on personal experience but evidence based information.") 

2. Breastfeeding is a lot of work.
Especially at the beginning, breastfeeding takes a lot of work. It takes work for you to get to know your baby and your boobs, and for your baby to get to know you and your boobs. Boobs and babies come in all sorts of different shapes, sizes, and personalities. For instance, my boobs were of the "Fire Hydrant" type. It sounds funny now, but my let down reflex (when the milk begins to come out of the nipple after the initial sucking of the baby) was very strong and caused Ruben to gag, cough, and pull away from the boob. Eventually I learned that there are ways to deal with a forceful let down, and Ruben got older and the whole process easier, but I wouldn't have had the same confidence to continue trying and refining our BF without connecting to other mothers who had struggled or were struggling like me. 
Again, find someone you can speak with. There are so may ways in which you might need support, and there is a lot of "popular wisdom" that, even though meant kindly, could seriously hinder your BF relationship. Websites are a great source of information, but nothing beats a cup of tea/coffee and an empathetic smile. Also, it's a lot of work finding people that you trust and feel a connection with - if you are pregnant, it's worthwhile getting a head start and looking up a group or a doula in your area.
The lovely part is that all the hard work pays off, even if you might be too tired to fully enjoy those quiet moments when your baby does finally nurse easily and you get to doze off... Also, if you are thinking of BF long term, you will find establishing a good BF relationship early on will make it easier to keep going once the baby is a little older. And just in case you are feeling a little concerned from all this talk of hard work, check out this list of BF Benefits :-) Spoiler alert: becoming a parent is also a lot of work, no matter what!

3. Surrender to your baby for the first three months.
When I was pregnant with Ruben I planned to BF "on demand", but when the time came and I did, it was a shock! I thought "on demand" would mean holding Ruben every couple of hours for a sweet cuddle and a feed. I envisioned Renaissance-like beatitude as I held my babe in my arms in adoration and he got high on the sweet sweet Mommy Milk. Well, it turns out most of those works must have been painted by men who actually had never breastfed themselves. With Ruben it was a visceral and at times rough ritual. There was sucking, choking, farting, writhing, burping, trapped air all along the digestive tract, and general fussiness. Please be aware that not all babies go through this! But don't be surprised if yours does. Also, Ruben was not born with a little wrist watch and he wanted on and off the boob at all sorts of intervals of time. There was no way I could "schedule him in" for a feed. I basically started offering him the boob at any cry and that worked very well. But it felt like he was nursing all the time!! For realz? For realz.
Luckily, I was surrounded by good literature and experienced professionals on the topic. For instance, here is one of my favorite articles about the craziness behind telling mothers that they should nurse at specific time intervals (by the way, this also applies to a formula fed baby, although I can imagine it would be difficult to feed on demand when you have to prepare a bottle every time.) Browsing Kellymom.com or AnalyticalArmadillo.com, you will find more evidence to the benefits of nursing on demand and maintaining almost constant contact with the baby.
As it turns out, BF on demand is great both for your baby and for your milk supply. If you do feed on demand, you are also basically forced to be on your baby's rhythm and give up any other project you might like to take care of (like that pile of dishes that you could so easily get out of the way if only you weren't busy holding your baby!) On the downside, it's so much work! You are on call 24/7 and there is no one who can substitute you on the job. At times it can feel overwhelming and I believe we are very ill-prepared culturally to understand how difficult and intense those first 3-6 months of mothering can be. More on the topic will surely follow in a future posts.
One more thing: if you know you need to go back to work soon after the birth, don't be afraid to BF on demand until you can. Your baby will adapt when s/he needs to, no need to "get them used" to a particular routine before it's necessary. Ask more about this to a La Leche League Leader, they offer great support for mothers who need to get back to work.

4. Breastfeeding will make you relentlessly hungry and thirsty. 
While I was busy with 100% of my energies trying to figure out Little Ruben and our BF relationship, D was 110% busy making sure I was hydrated and well fed. Again, let me highlight this, it was EXHAUSTING. It's like the most intense boot camp you could ever imagine. If you are lucky (as we were) you will have someone to help you run the house or help with your feeding. A great tool I discovered is the concept of a Food Tree, something worthwhile setting up before you have your baby. For instance, if 10 friends of yours offer to bring you an abundant meal a day, you could get away without having to cook for the first 10 days after the baby arrives. And maybe they could pledge to doing that twice, which extends the whole process to 20 days! Here is a good website were to start from: http://www.takethemameal.com/.
 Food was the MOST WELCOME gift I received in the early days, and I have heard many other mothers say the same thing. It also can help to freeze meals and put aside a little money for take aways and pre-made food. You will want to eat nutritiously, not just because it's the "healthier option", but because it will keep you going for longer and with better energy! (For instance, a plate of pasta will give you a burst of energy but then cause severe drops in your sugar levels. Slow release proteins like lentils and beans will keep you going longer without the same highs and lows.)
Bottom line: while you are establishing a strong BF relationship with your Baby, you will need great fuel and it will probably be challenging to meet those needs by yourself. It won't be the case forever, but imagine it as a full immersion and any free time will become a bonus!

5. Breastfeeding is constantly changing.
I have now been BF Ruben for more than a year and the one constant, as in much of life, is that it's always changing. At one point I could only feed him while lying on my side in bed, then there was the time when he only fed in a sling. For a short period, around 4/5 months, Ruben kept going on and off the boob and I wondered if I would ever stop bouncing on my yoga ball in order to get him to relax enough to nurse. These days Ruben comes and asks for milk for different reasons, thirst, hunger, reconnecting with me after an adventurous playtime. Solid food is becoming more prevalent in his diet, and BF is morphing into a very different way to connect to my toddling Ruben. The tougher bits are probably over, but there are new and different challenges ahead, like learning to negotiate my needs with Ruben's. In all the change, the support group that I have cultivated since my pregnancy remains a valuable resource and refuels me at times of uncertainty. 

I recently read a beautiful passage about how breastfeeding is a relationship with a side of excellent food (in the lovely "Sweet Sleep".) It's a quote that has struck a chord: over time it has become apparent that, like any relationship, BF has taken a lot of work, but it has become a wonderful part of how I mother and of how Ruben connects to me, and I am deeply grateful for it. 

My wish for you is that you may find a tribe to support your own BF journey, a tribe that will empower you with information and allow you to make the choices that will make your BF experience successful according to your own wishes and desires. All my best wishes to any Mamma out there who hopes to get involved in this unique relationship! Take courage, find support, and eat well!

As always, thank you for reading.

For a Newly Pregnant Mamma

Recently, a lovely friend of mine shared the happy news of her pregnancy with me. This post is inspired by her news, with all good wishes and much love to all the newly pregnant Mamme near and far.

Dear Mamma Bella,

You are pregnant! Evviva! Welcome to the Wild Ride Preceding the Wild Ride That Is Having a Baby.

Before I do anything else, let me introduce you to the Very Special Ina May Gaskin. 

I pinched this photo of Ina May in the late 1970's from this article on the Guardian, the photo is by Ina May.

Ina May is a midwife who practices in Summertown, Tennessee, in a unique midwifery center. In 1971, she and about 420 other young people bought 1,064 acres of land and started an intentional community called The Farm. Wikipedia has a pretty good article on it here, but generally speaking the members of the Farm Community believed in working hard, sharing, and staying off drugs (weed being an exception. On the topic of weed, a bit randomly, I am currently in Colorado, where weed has become legal, and have come across this book for children: "It's Just a Plant." Interesting how things are changing in the U.S. - what will our children's view of what is legal and illegal be? Just the thought leaves me feeling like I know so little!) 

Anyway, back to Ina May. If I were living in the U.S. and wasn't happy with the birthing options available to me, I would definitely consider traveling to Summertown to give birth at the wonderful Midwifery Center at the Farm (I know other pregnant mothers who have gone this route and have greatly enjoyed the experience.) Why go through the trouble?, you wonder... Well, for one thing, check out the statistics of the births at the center and, if you are feeling gutsy, compare them to those of your nearest hospital. To give you an idea, emergency Cesarean rates in the U.S. are around 30% of births. Between 1970 and 2010, the Farm's Midwifery Center has had a emergency C-section rate of 1.7%. Yes, you read that correctly, 1.7%. It's not magic, just a group of women who have dedicated themselves to creating a birthing culture that takes both mother and baby into consideration.

That said, traveling to Tennessee just to give birth might not be your cup of tea. So how do you access Ina May and the Farm's Midwives from afar? Here are a few options:

Videos: 
(I will just mention a few, but there are so many on youtube, take your time to browse around a bit.)

3 "home made" videos that I love and have linked to before, starting here.

A talk given in Stockholm by Ina May, divided by topics (great for browsing!) By the way, in this talk Ina May mentions the birth of a chimpanzee at a zoo. Here is the link to the video of that birth. While an inverted position - bum in the air - might not be your ideal while helping your baby out, I love watching how in touch this primate Mamma is with her body. And how she literally touches her baby to sense what is going on. I found it very helpful in birthing Ruben. I also love that the Papa' chimpanzee is present and participating.)

"Birth Story" - watch the trailer, or you can purchase the full movie.

"Spiritual Midwifery" - this is an incredible DVD of several births that have taken place at the Farm (including a mother who gave birth to 7+lb twins without tearing!) The DVD is available directly through the Midwifery Center here. If you know a doula, she might have access to one as well.

Books: 
(You can find all of these online, and lots of used copies for very little! If you live in an English speaking country, chances are you can borrow a copy from you local library.)

"Spiritual Midwifery" - I loved immersing myself in the moving stories of the women who have given birth at the Farm over the past 40+ years. No matter whether a birth was challenging or simple, I remember reading these stories and feeling human warmth radiating from the book in my hands. The birth stories take up half of the book, and the second half discusses the approach to birth of the Farm Midwives, as well as some technical aspects of pregnancy, birth, and care of a newborn.

"Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" -Similarly to the book above, lots of great birth stories and a lot of practical advice on birth itself.

"Birth Matters: a Midwife's Manifesta' " - A great piece of political writing, filled with information about birth history, the current state of births in the U.S. and the West, and the importance of birthing and becoming a mother in the context of women's rights. A really empowering read, although not quite as practical if you are close to giving birth.

All that said, Ina May may or may not be your thing. So here are two more books that I found precious for my pregnancy.

In "Birthing From Within", Pam England and Rob Horowitz guide you as a reader to explore your feelings, expectations, fears and hopes around birth. I often wished I could attend an actual workshop ran by Pam and Rob together with D, my partner. Here is their website with more information. This book allowed me to feel free to get creative, make drawings (however simple and not "beautiful"), and go about exploring how I felt without needing to edit or judge myself, no mean feat :-)

The second book I enjoyed is "Pregnant Feelings" by Rahima Baldwin. I love that this book contains several BEAUTIFUL images of pregnancy within it (do not undervalue the power of images! I can still remember a picture in "Spiritual Midwifery" of a woman with a beatific smile on her face as he baby is crowning - really inspiring.) This is a well designed workbook that leads you through different exercises to explore your experience of pregnancy. Again, a non-judgemental approach that allows for your subjective voice and experience to be validated and articulated. So good. Not to mention, I love the vintage feel to it!

There is a lot more for you to discover out there, and as usual: only pursue material that feels right. I mean it. If you find yourself scoffing at what you are reading or feeling uneasy with a video, let it go. Find ways to become informed that resonate with who you are and make you feel good. As I mentioned before, I also found online resources that I trusted and could refer to for more information. As much as possible, seek out evidence based resources and professionals who know their stuff (versus well meaning "experts" who might just share their own experience while passing it as wisdom.) 

Finally, most importantly, begin to explore your community and see if you can find people to connect to that seem aligned with your views. For me, that meant looking for breastfeeding mothers who wanted to wear their children (in slings) and try a baby led parenting style. This translated into showing up at La Leche League meetings (it's a great, INTERNATIONAL organization, so there is likely a group that meets up not too far from you) and connecting to the Oxford Sling Meet. It also meant showing up at a baby led potty training meeting while my baby was still on a wonderfully efficient system inside my belly and diaper changing was merely a concept. 

As my mentor Doula Maddie McMahon put it recently: "Find. Your. Tribe."  (This was in reference to this article on the Huffington Post.) Your tribe might be a single woman who lives in your same area, or a group of mothers who meet monthly. Depending on where you live, you might find a doula that you truly connect to, a midwife that you want to keep close to you for the journey ahead, a good friend or a family member. Move slowly, and give yourself time to connect with people around you as the Little Person inside you begins to take up more room in the world. Your community will become invaluable once the Little One arrives, whether for sharing stories, laughter, tears, or just a moment of craziness.

All right dear New Mamma. This is already more than you can probably manage all at once :-) Sending you and all other Pregnant Mothers out there my Love and Respect - it's a wild ride!

With good wishes from Colorado, until the next time, be well.

Emotional Honesty

There are some days when it's all smooth sailing: Ruben doesn't wake up crying from a trapped burp in his throat, there are plenty of smiles and loving looks at different times of the day, I catch lots of Ruben's pees and poos (if you have no idea what I mean by that, check out elimination communication or read Christine Gross-Loh's "Diaper Free Baby"), Ruben shows delight in the food I offer him (again, a little bit differently from popular 20th century Western practices, we are doing baby led weaning), I manage to nap for at least an hour in the afternoon, and the sun shines on the UK. These are wonderful days, when I feel so in love with both my baby and my partner. These are the days when I manage to make dinner with relative ease and when Ruben falls asleep just shy of his bed time so that I have a few, extra, precious minutes to write on this blog.

On these days, I sometimes think back on the days that are very challenging. The days when I wonder  if what I am doing as a mother is working or if it's "right". Doubt about my ability as a mother creeps up slowly, fed by the tiredness of the one hour long nap that I missed, the pees and poos that ended up on the living room carpet, the hurried meals which mean Ruben only got to chew on a piece of cucumber for dinner. On these days, the day moves in a weird rhythm and Ruben's cries of frustration and unhappiness leave me feeling disconnected. On these days, hearing that another baby goes to sleep at 7.30 in the evening can almost bring me to tears. This is not so much because Ruben has embraced the sun's rhythm (in the British summer, this means that he goes to sleep around 10p and wakes up with the first rays of sunshine, around 5.30a). Rather, I find myself wondering if I am making the right choices, if maybe, in a parallel universe, there is a mother B who has got it figured out with her son R, who goes to sleep at 7.30p every evening, who never wakes up crying in pain from a burp, and who is, of course, generally better off.

As I write this, I realize what a good day this has been, as I am actually capable of some self-irony. The truth is, though, that some days can be very hard. When Ruben's poos turned a bright green when he was three weeks old, I spent all my "extra" time/energy doing research, trying to figure out how to make things better (anything from block feeding because of a forceful let-down reflex to dietary changes, particularly by removing diary in my diet.) Now that Ruben is almost 9 months, a lot of the toughest bits have eased up, yet there are still times when I feel the pressure of being his mother very strongly and feel myself wondering if I'm doing all right. 

I write about all this because I have been reading a wonderful book by Sue Gerhardt, "Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain." First of all, Gerhardt is one of the co-founders of OXPIP (Oxford Parent Infant Project.) Check it out, it's a great organization that helps parents to connect with their babies because, as they say, "being a parent isn't easy." 

Gerhardt is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and in her book she looks at how love affects the development of a newborn's nervous system, especially through the first couple of years of their life. There is lots to learn in this accessible book, as Gerhardt reviews and expands on a range of recent research in neuroscience, psychology, psychoanalysis and biochemistry. It's a wonderful book that covers many different topics and I generally recommend it (even if you don't have children, to get an interesting perspective on your own brain and parents - maybe not an "easy read".)

Personally, however, something I read just the other night really struck a chord. In the second part of her book, Gerhardt looks at how shaky foundations in early relationships between parents and babies can lead to negative consequences. Gerhardt discusses how people learn to hide their feelings as young babies: as parents push for independence, babies sense early on "that their dependence and neediness is unwelcome, so they learn to hide their feelings" (Gerhardt, 93.)  In this section of Gerhardt's book I recognized my own tendency to put on a smile and not share the tougher parts of my life, apart from when I feel very safe and supported. I also recognized that if I want to be emotionally available for Ruben as a parent, one of my many challenges is to be more connected with myself and more willing to feel, even those very bad days. Maybe especially those bad days.

I entitled this post emotional honesty. I think of this as my practice as a parent, to try and remain in touch with how I feel, to make room for the more difficult emotions (like anger, jealousy, loneliness, sadness). My wish is that I can learn more about emotional honesty thanks to and with Ruben, so that as he encounters tough times ahead, I can be present with him without carrying a big back load of my own unexpressed, bottled up, unrecognized feelings. 

Today I write this in the hope that others might read and share the ways in which they try to stay connected, not just on those wonderful days when the sun shines, but on the days when things feel heavy and complicated. I know that meeting up with other parents has been incredibly helpful for me. I look forward to the monthly La Leche League meeting for mothers and babies with much gratitude for its existance. Lately, too, I have taken more initiative to meet with other parents in informal settings. Hearing how another baby is struggling with their teeth coming out, or how tired the mother of a crawling little girl is feeling, helps me feel part of a greater parenting network, in which we are all doing our best to take care of the amazing little creatures that are our children. What makes you feel better on your more difficult days?

As always, thank you for reading.