When I started this blog a few months back I was still under the false understanding that as Ruben would get older I would magically get more and more time for myself. Yes, on the long run, the very very long run, I actually think that will happen. One day there will be free afternoons, and evenings, and time to spare for a pottery class or for joining my local choir. But that time is not now. Right now, if I want to take an hour for myself I have to work for it, carve it out of our day, figure out ways to make my schedule fit around Ruben's. All to say, when I started this blog I thought I would always have time for my musings - it turns out, it's still super hard to make time for myself 17 months on.
So, on the topic of making time for myself, I wanted to share that recently it's been really tough being a mom. This is how it's gone down for me: the first 3 months were a crazy time of exhaustion and absolute love. I was high and delirious from lack of sleep, totally devoted to making Ruben as comfortable as possible in this world, struggling to figure out a thousand different things (breastfeeding, sleeping, my changing body, Ruben's poops - you know, the usual) and generally riding the wave of birth and getting to know my son. I had been told numberless times that the first three months were the toughest, so I was a bit surprised to discover that the next 6 months weren't so much easier. Easier, yes, but by a tiny little degree. And not all the time. My hormones were slowly going back to pre-pregnancy state, and I started realising just how much work and responsibility come with having a little person in your life. Eventually we hit a year, and that was WONDERFUL. I was so relieved that we had actually kept Ruben alive and in pretty good shape. He was no longer the vulnerable little dumpling that had arrived at our home, and it felt like I could finally relax a bit. Ruben was OK, we had survived a year of parenting and it felt like our family was quite consolidated.
It's been 5 months since that eventful first year anniversary, and over these months I have been confronting some different aspects of becoming a parent. I am no longer in the trenches, or hoping that Ruben won't stop breathing when I leave the room he's sleeping in. In fact, I feel pretty good about him. What's more difficult at this time in my journey as a mother is coming back to myself. As long as I was worried about how Ruben was doing, there was very little space for me. But these days Ruben's well being is much easier to take care of, freeing me of some of the constant fine tuning that defined the first year of our lives together. As I get a little more mental space, I turn inwards, and man there's a lot there! It's not easy to acknowledge all the different feelings that arise when I check in with myself. There is still a lot of love, with the addition of pride for the way Ruben is growing and developing. But there is also mourning for those things that are gone: the freedom to spend an evening out with friends, the intimacy of a small trip alone with my partner, the pleasure of a couple of uninterrupted hours to myself on a yoga mat. Nowadays I have to figure out whether an extra hour a week to myself is worth leaving Ruben - can I take time for myself even if it's not "necessary"? How can I justify my space? How can I negotiate for both of us when he would want to be with me all the time?
Recently I saw a trailer to a comedy entitled "Welcome To Me", and the title of the movie really struck a chord. These days it feels like all I want is to turn my attention back on myself, to rediscover what I need to feel good, what needs healing, how I can let go of some of things and how I can restore my energies after being on call for someone else for so long. Yes, I am grateful for the little person who is currently asleep upstairs (not for long!), but how do I reconnect to me? And when I do make time for myself, how do I make sure there is a balance between the more difficult reflections and the more fun, creative ways of expressing myself and doing what I like? There is lots to ponder...
So that is where my mind is at these days. I've heard from a few of you who were wondering about my blog and I wish this entry were less personal and more informative, especially for the soon moms-to-be! But this needed to be written. Recently I've been learning that it takes a lot of work to come back to myself after the earthquake of love and worry that has been transforming into a mother. If you have gone through this yourself, I would love to hear what your "way back in" has been. And if you are not quite there yet, I'll be here when you hit that time if you want to talk. By the way, you can still do a tremendous job as a parent while wondering what your life could be like if only you were freeeeee ;-)
As always, thank you for reading,
B
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