"Teach Me How To Breastfeed."

A little fun after the very long post from a couple of days ago :-)

I loooove this video! And I'm not the only one..." all the babies love it, all all the babies love it..."

On Breastfeeding and Halloween

It's almost Halloween and I am probably the most excited member of the family when it comes to pumpkin carving. In my newfound baby/birthing/nursing geekiness, this year I realised I could carve the International Breastfeeding Logo onto a pumpkin. And so I did. (We are also toying with writing "Boo - b!" on it, all depends on D who is in charge of the letters.) So here it is, your own preview before we set the pumpkin on our windowsill. Here in the UK, the sight of a breastfeeding mother might actually spook some more than you would expect, we'll see what happens...

I've taken a long hiatus from writing on the blog, caught between the chaos of traveling during the holidays and the chaos of getting back to Oxford and re-establishing our routine, while also gearing up for Ruben's first birthday (he is officially 1 year old!) All through out I have often thought that I wanted to write an entry about breastfeeding, particularly designed for the mothers I know who are expecting their first baby. Here are a couple of things I learnt with Ruben when it came to breastfeeding...

1. Find the Breastfeeding Mamas.
While you will likely have enough milk to feed your baby, you might not have enough support to do it, so start looking for a Breastfeeding Community! (And don't rely on family and friends only: they mean well, but aren't necessarily up to date with good evidence based information.)
Before Ruben was born, my breastfeeding (BF) knowledge was very limited. I had a vague memory of seeing my mother breastfeeding my younger sister, but not much else. My main worry was that I might not be able to breastfeed because of a small chance that I wouldn't "have enough milk".  I have since learned that while there exists a small percentage of cases in which a woman does not have enough glandular tissue in her breasts to produce milk, most cases in which BF ends prematurely are caused by the lack of support and evidence based information a mother receives. There is so much to tweak and rework when it comes to breastfeeding, and the best thing that happened to Ruben and I was finding a community of mothers who either had or were breastfeeding (the local La Leche League group and the Baby Cafe in our neighbourhood, for instance.) Especially in the first 3 months of Ruben's life, I had so many questions, worries, and moments when I doubted myself and my ability to take care of him. At those times, I thrived on the support of both peers and BF professionals (please read that as "people who don't give advice based on personal experience but evidence based information.") 

2. Breastfeeding is a lot of work.
Especially at the beginning, breastfeeding takes a lot of work. It takes work for you to get to know your baby and your boobs, and for your baby to get to know you and your boobs. Boobs and babies come in all sorts of different shapes, sizes, and personalities. For instance, my boobs were of the "Fire Hydrant" type. It sounds funny now, but my let down reflex (when the milk begins to come out of the nipple after the initial sucking of the baby) was very strong and caused Ruben to gag, cough, and pull away from the boob. Eventually I learned that there are ways to deal with a forceful let down, and Ruben got older and the whole process easier, but I wouldn't have had the same confidence to continue trying and refining our BF without connecting to other mothers who had struggled or were struggling like me. 
Again, find someone you can speak with. There are so may ways in which you might need support, and there is a lot of "popular wisdom" that, even though meant kindly, could seriously hinder your BF relationship. Websites are a great source of information, but nothing beats a cup of tea/coffee and an empathetic smile. Also, it's a lot of work finding people that you trust and feel a connection with - if you are pregnant, it's worthwhile getting a head start and looking up a group or a doula in your area.
The lovely part is that all the hard work pays off, even if you might be too tired to fully enjoy those quiet moments when your baby does finally nurse easily and you get to doze off... Also, if you are thinking of BF long term, you will find establishing a good BF relationship early on will make it easier to keep going once the baby is a little older. And just in case you are feeling a little concerned from all this talk of hard work, check out this list of BF Benefits :-) Spoiler alert: becoming a parent is also a lot of work, no matter what!

3. Surrender to your baby for the first three months.
When I was pregnant with Ruben I planned to BF "on demand", but when the time came and I did, it was a shock! I thought "on demand" would mean holding Ruben every couple of hours for a sweet cuddle and a feed. I envisioned Renaissance-like beatitude as I held my babe in my arms in adoration and he got high on the sweet sweet Mommy Milk. Well, it turns out most of those works must have been painted by men who actually had never breastfed themselves. With Ruben it was a visceral and at times rough ritual. There was sucking, choking, farting, writhing, burping, trapped air all along the digestive tract, and general fussiness. Please be aware that not all babies go through this! But don't be surprised if yours does. Also, Ruben was not born with a little wrist watch and he wanted on and off the boob at all sorts of intervals of time. There was no way I could "schedule him in" for a feed. I basically started offering him the boob at any cry and that worked very well. But it felt like he was nursing all the time!! For realz? For realz.
Luckily, I was surrounded by good literature and experienced professionals on the topic. For instance, here is one of my favorite articles about the craziness behind telling mothers that they should nurse at specific time intervals (by the way, this also applies to a formula fed baby, although I can imagine it would be difficult to feed on demand when you have to prepare a bottle every time.) Browsing Kellymom.com or AnalyticalArmadillo.com, you will find more evidence to the benefits of nursing on demand and maintaining almost constant contact with the baby.
As it turns out, BF on demand is great both for your baby and for your milk supply. If you do feed on demand, you are also basically forced to be on your baby's rhythm and give up any other project you might like to take care of (like that pile of dishes that you could so easily get out of the way if only you weren't busy holding your baby!) On the downside, it's so much work! You are on call 24/7 and there is no one who can substitute you on the job. At times it can feel overwhelming and I believe we are very ill-prepared culturally to understand how difficult and intense those first 3-6 months of mothering can be. More on the topic will surely follow in a future posts.
One more thing: if you know you need to go back to work soon after the birth, don't be afraid to BF on demand until you can. Your baby will adapt when s/he needs to, no need to "get them used" to a particular routine before it's necessary. Ask more about this to a La Leche League Leader, they offer great support for mothers who need to get back to work.

4. Breastfeeding will make you relentlessly hungry and thirsty. 
While I was busy with 100% of my energies trying to figure out Little Ruben and our BF relationship, D was 110% busy making sure I was hydrated and well fed. Again, let me highlight this, it was EXHAUSTING. It's like the most intense boot camp you could ever imagine. If you are lucky (as we were) you will have someone to help you run the house or help with your feeding. A great tool I discovered is the concept of a Food Tree, something worthwhile setting up before you have your baby. For instance, if 10 friends of yours offer to bring you an abundant meal a day, you could get away without having to cook for the first 10 days after the baby arrives. And maybe they could pledge to doing that twice, which extends the whole process to 20 days! Here is a good website were to start from: http://www.takethemameal.com/.
 Food was the MOST WELCOME gift I received in the early days, and I have heard many other mothers say the same thing. It also can help to freeze meals and put aside a little money for take aways and pre-made food. You will want to eat nutritiously, not just because it's the "healthier option", but because it will keep you going for longer and with better energy! (For instance, a plate of pasta will give you a burst of energy but then cause severe drops in your sugar levels. Slow release proteins like lentils and beans will keep you going longer without the same highs and lows.)
Bottom line: while you are establishing a strong BF relationship with your Baby, you will need great fuel and it will probably be challenging to meet those needs by yourself. It won't be the case forever, but imagine it as a full immersion and any free time will become a bonus!

5. Breastfeeding is constantly changing.
I have now been BF Ruben for more than a year and the one constant, as in much of life, is that it's always changing. At one point I could only feed him while lying on my side in bed, then there was the time when he only fed in a sling. For a short period, around 4/5 months, Ruben kept going on and off the boob and I wondered if I would ever stop bouncing on my yoga ball in order to get him to relax enough to nurse. These days Ruben comes and asks for milk for different reasons, thirst, hunger, reconnecting with me after an adventurous playtime. Solid food is becoming more prevalent in his diet, and BF is morphing into a very different way to connect to my toddling Ruben. The tougher bits are probably over, but there are new and different challenges ahead, like learning to negotiate my needs with Ruben's. In all the change, the support group that I have cultivated since my pregnancy remains a valuable resource and refuels me at times of uncertainty. 

I recently read a beautiful passage about how breastfeeding is a relationship with a side of excellent food (in the lovely "Sweet Sleep".) It's a quote that has struck a chord: over time it has become apparent that, like any relationship, BF has taken a lot of work, but it has become a wonderful part of how I mother and of how Ruben connects to me, and I am deeply grateful for it. 

My wish for you is that you may find a tribe to support your own BF journey, a tribe that will empower you with information and allow you to make the choices that will make your BF experience successful according to your own wishes and desires. All my best wishes to any Mamma out there who hopes to get involved in this unique relationship! Take courage, find support, and eat well!

As always, thank you for reading.

For a Newly Pregnant Mamma

Recently, a lovely friend of mine shared the happy news of her pregnancy with me. This post is inspired by her news, with all good wishes and much love to all the newly pregnant Mamme near and far.

Dear Mamma Bella,

You are pregnant! Evviva! Welcome to the Wild Ride Preceding the Wild Ride That Is Having a Baby.

Before I do anything else, let me introduce you to the Very Special Ina May Gaskin. 

I pinched this photo of Ina May in the late 1970's from this article on the Guardian, the photo is by Ina May.

Ina May is a midwife who practices in Summertown, Tennessee, in a unique midwifery center. In 1971, she and about 420 other young people bought 1,064 acres of land and started an intentional community called The Farm. Wikipedia has a pretty good article on it here, but generally speaking the members of the Farm Community believed in working hard, sharing, and staying off drugs (weed being an exception. On the topic of weed, a bit randomly, I am currently in Colorado, where weed has become legal, and have come across this book for children: "It's Just a Plant." Interesting how things are changing in the U.S. - what will our children's view of what is legal and illegal be? Just the thought leaves me feeling like I know so little!) 

Anyway, back to Ina May. If I were living in the U.S. and wasn't happy with the birthing options available to me, I would definitely consider traveling to Summertown to give birth at the wonderful Midwifery Center at the Farm (I know other pregnant mothers who have gone this route and have greatly enjoyed the experience.) Why go through the trouble?, you wonder... Well, for one thing, check out the statistics of the births at the center and, if you are feeling gutsy, compare them to those of your nearest hospital. To give you an idea, emergency Cesarean rates in the U.S. are around 30% of births. Between 1970 and 2010, the Farm's Midwifery Center has had a emergency C-section rate of 1.7%. Yes, you read that correctly, 1.7%. It's not magic, just a group of women who have dedicated themselves to creating a birthing culture that takes both mother and baby into consideration.

That said, traveling to Tennessee just to give birth might not be your cup of tea. So how do you access Ina May and the Farm's Midwives from afar? Here are a few options:

Videos: 
(I will just mention a few, but there are so many on youtube, take your time to browse around a bit.)

3 "home made" videos that I love and have linked to before, starting here.

A talk given in Stockholm by Ina May, divided by topics (great for browsing!) By the way, in this talk Ina May mentions the birth of a chimpanzee at a zoo. Here is the link to the video of that birth. While an inverted position - bum in the air - might not be your ideal while helping your baby out, I love watching how in touch this primate Mamma is with her body. And how she literally touches her baby to sense what is going on. I found it very helpful in birthing Ruben. I also love that the Papa' chimpanzee is present and participating.)

"Birth Story" - watch the trailer, or you can purchase the full movie.

"Spiritual Midwifery" - this is an incredible DVD of several births that have taken place at the Farm (including a mother who gave birth to 7+lb twins without tearing!) The DVD is available directly through the Midwifery Center here. If you know a doula, she might have access to one as well.

Books: 
(You can find all of these online, and lots of used copies for very little! If you live in an English speaking country, chances are you can borrow a copy from you local library.)

"Spiritual Midwifery" - I loved immersing myself in the moving stories of the women who have given birth at the Farm over the past 40+ years. No matter whether a birth was challenging or simple, I remember reading these stories and feeling human warmth radiating from the book in my hands. The birth stories take up half of the book, and the second half discusses the approach to birth of the Farm Midwives, as well as some technical aspects of pregnancy, birth, and care of a newborn.

"Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" -Similarly to the book above, lots of great birth stories and a lot of practical advice on birth itself.

"Birth Matters: a Midwife's Manifesta' " - A great piece of political writing, filled with information about birth history, the current state of births in the U.S. and the West, and the importance of birthing and becoming a mother in the context of women's rights. A really empowering read, although not quite as practical if you are close to giving birth.

All that said, Ina May may or may not be your thing. So here are two more books that I found precious for my pregnancy.

In "Birthing From Within", Pam England and Rob Horowitz guide you as a reader to explore your feelings, expectations, fears and hopes around birth. I often wished I could attend an actual workshop ran by Pam and Rob together with D, my partner. Here is their website with more information. This book allowed me to feel free to get creative, make drawings (however simple and not "beautiful"), and go about exploring how I felt without needing to edit or judge myself, no mean feat :-)

The second book I enjoyed is "Pregnant Feelings" by Rahima Baldwin. I love that this book contains several BEAUTIFUL images of pregnancy within it (do not undervalue the power of images! I can still remember a picture in "Spiritual Midwifery" of a woman with a beatific smile on her face as he baby is crowning - really inspiring.) This is a well designed workbook that leads you through different exercises to explore your experience of pregnancy. Again, a non-judgemental approach that allows for your subjective voice and experience to be validated and articulated. So good. Not to mention, I love the vintage feel to it!

There is a lot more for you to discover out there, and as usual: only pursue material that feels right. I mean it. If you find yourself scoffing at what you are reading or feeling uneasy with a video, let it go. Find ways to become informed that resonate with who you are and make you feel good. As I mentioned before, I also found online resources that I trusted and could refer to for more information. As much as possible, seek out evidence based resources and professionals who know their stuff (versus well meaning "experts" who might just share their own experience while passing it as wisdom.) 

Finally, most importantly, begin to explore your community and see if you can find people to connect to that seem aligned with your views. For me, that meant looking for breastfeeding mothers who wanted to wear their children (in slings) and try a baby led parenting style. This translated into showing up at La Leche League meetings (it's a great, INTERNATIONAL organization, so there is likely a group that meets up not too far from you) and connecting to the Oxford Sling Meet. It also meant showing up at a baby led potty training meeting while my baby was still on a wonderfully efficient system inside my belly and diaper changing was merely a concept. 

As my mentor Doula Maddie McMahon put it recently: "Find. Your. Tribe."  (This was in reference to this article on the Huffington Post.) Your tribe might be a single woman who lives in your same area, or a group of mothers who meet monthly. Depending on where you live, you might find a doula that you truly connect to, a midwife that you want to keep close to you for the journey ahead, a good friend or a family member. Move slowly, and give yourself time to connect with people around you as the Little Person inside you begins to take up more room in the world. Your community will become invaluable once the Little One arrives, whether for sharing stories, laughter, tears, or just a moment of craziness.

All right dear New Mamma. This is already more than you can probably manage all at once :-) Sending you and all other Pregnant Mothers out there my Love and Respect - it's a wild ride!

With good wishes from Colorado, until the next time, be well.

Bed Sharing and Not So NICE Guidelines

A couple of days ago I was leisurely leafing through the newspaper while having breakfast (for the first time since... well, I can't even remember!) when I came across this article in The Guardian. Basically, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) here in the UK has drafted guidelines against co-sleeping in the first year of a baby's life (an increase from their 2006 guidelines), claiming that bed sharing increases the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

I found this beautiful image online but couldn't find the artist's name -
please let me know if you have more information.

Before going any further, you should know that Ruben has maybe used his Arms Reach Co-sleeper twice since he was born. D and I actually bought a king size bed when we moved into our current place with the thought that we hoped to fill it with children. So yes, we co-sleep with our son. Early on, I  also learned to feed Ruben in the side lying position and I haven't looked back ever since. (Again, I am grateful to Kate Evans and her other wonderful book for showing me the way: "The Food of Love: Your Formula for Successful Breastfeeding.") Sleeping with Ruben and knowing how to breastfeed while side lying has meant a lot more resting, cuddling, and general well being for our whole family. It's also meant that D and I have gotten creative with our "sexy time," which has been fun (more on that in this article by the Analytical Armadillo, which I have quoted in the past.)

OK, with that in mind, you won't be surprised to hear that I was outraged by NICE's guideline to avoid co-sleeping in the first year - I just wanted to scream out the windows that they were wrong! Luckily there are more centered and better informed people around me who have taken the time to respond to the new guidelines with equal passion, minus the crazy screaming out of the windows. One of the most compelling arguments has been that mothers all around the world will end up bed sharing at some point, and the most important thing is that this is done intelligently, knowing what the potential risk factors are to the baby (surprisingly, falling off the bed is not the major one!)

For all those of you who are interested in the topic, or are worried by the suggested new guidelines, here is a selection of my favorite articles, posts, studies and leaflets on co-sleeping ...


Blog Posts and Articles:

The Hackney Doula: "Lessons in Co-Sleeping."
A personal account mixed with lots of good links and research on co-sleeping.

The Newubury Doula: "10 Things I Wish NICE Would Say."
10 core pieces of information on co-sleeping in an easy to read format.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith: "Bedsharing and SIDS - Why We Have It All Wrong."
In which she calls the Carpenter et al study a "scaremongering piece of 'science'." This is the study which has heavily influenced the NICE draft according to the Hackney Doula.

Milli Hill: "Co-sleeping: Are New Mums Being Given the Right Advice?"
A great piece on the problems with the underlying assumptions behind co-sleeping.


Online resources:

NCT: "NCT response to NICE draft recommendations to tackle Sudden Infant Death Syndrome."

ISISonline - for evidence based information on infant sleep.

UNICEF - "Caring for Your Baby Leaflet" and the study on breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

Dr. Sears - "Safe Co-sleeping Habits."

Emotional Honesty

There are some days when it's all smooth sailing: Ruben doesn't wake up crying from a trapped burp in his throat, there are plenty of smiles and loving looks at different times of the day, I catch lots of Ruben's pees and poos (if you have no idea what I mean by that, check out elimination communication or read Christine Gross-Loh's "Diaper Free Baby"), Ruben shows delight in the food I offer him (again, a little bit differently from popular 20th century Western practices, we are doing baby led weaning), I manage to nap for at least an hour in the afternoon, and the sun shines on the UK. These are wonderful days, when I feel so in love with both my baby and my partner. These are the days when I manage to make dinner with relative ease and when Ruben falls asleep just shy of his bed time so that I have a few, extra, precious minutes to write on this blog.

On these days, I sometimes think back on the days that are very challenging. The days when I wonder  if what I am doing as a mother is working or if it's "right". Doubt about my ability as a mother creeps up slowly, fed by the tiredness of the one hour long nap that I missed, the pees and poos that ended up on the living room carpet, the hurried meals which mean Ruben only got to chew on a piece of cucumber for dinner. On these days, the day moves in a weird rhythm and Ruben's cries of frustration and unhappiness leave me feeling disconnected. On these days, hearing that another baby goes to sleep at 7.30 in the evening can almost bring me to tears. This is not so much because Ruben has embraced the sun's rhythm (in the British summer, this means that he goes to sleep around 10p and wakes up with the first rays of sunshine, around 5.30a). Rather, I find myself wondering if I am making the right choices, if maybe, in a parallel universe, there is a mother B who has got it figured out with her son R, who goes to sleep at 7.30p every evening, who never wakes up crying in pain from a burp, and who is, of course, generally better off.

As I write this, I realize what a good day this has been, as I am actually capable of some self-irony. The truth is, though, that some days can be very hard. When Ruben's poos turned a bright green when he was three weeks old, I spent all my "extra" time/energy doing research, trying to figure out how to make things better (anything from block feeding because of a forceful let-down reflex to dietary changes, particularly by removing diary in my diet.) Now that Ruben is almost 9 months, a lot of the toughest bits have eased up, yet there are still times when I feel the pressure of being his mother very strongly and feel myself wondering if I'm doing all right. 

I write about all this because I have been reading a wonderful book by Sue Gerhardt, "Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain." First of all, Gerhardt is one of the co-founders of OXPIP (Oxford Parent Infant Project.) Check it out, it's a great organization that helps parents to connect with their babies because, as they say, "being a parent isn't easy." 

Gerhardt is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and in her book she looks at how love affects the development of a newborn's nervous system, especially through the first couple of years of their life. There is lots to learn in this accessible book, as Gerhardt reviews and expands on a range of recent research in neuroscience, psychology, psychoanalysis and biochemistry. It's a wonderful book that covers many different topics and I generally recommend it (even if you don't have children, to get an interesting perspective on your own brain and parents - maybe not an "easy read".)

Personally, however, something I read just the other night really struck a chord. In the second part of her book, Gerhardt looks at how shaky foundations in early relationships between parents and babies can lead to negative consequences. Gerhardt discusses how people learn to hide their feelings as young babies: as parents push for independence, babies sense early on "that their dependence and neediness is unwelcome, so they learn to hide their feelings" (Gerhardt, 93.)  In this section of Gerhardt's book I recognized my own tendency to put on a smile and not share the tougher parts of my life, apart from when I feel very safe and supported. I also recognized that if I want to be emotionally available for Ruben as a parent, one of my many challenges is to be more connected with myself and more willing to feel, even those very bad days. Maybe especially those bad days.

I entitled this post emotional honesty. I think of this as my practice as a parent, to try and remain in touch with how I feel, to make room for the more difficult emotions (like anger, jealousy, loneliness, sadness). My wish is that I can learn more about emotional honesty thanks to and with Ruben, so that as he encounters tough times ahead, I can be present with him without carrying a big back load of my own unexpressed, bottled up, unrecognized feelings. 

Today I write this in the hope that others might read and share the ways in which they try to stay connected, not just on those wonderful days when the sun shines, but on the days when things feel heavy and complicated. I know that meeting up with other parents has been incredibly helpful for me. I look forward to the monthly La Leche League meeting for mothers and babies with much gratitude for its existance. Lately, too, I have taken more initiative to meet with other parents in informal settings. Hearing how another baby is struggling with their teeth coming out, or how tired the mother of a crawling little girl is feeling, helps me feel part of a greater parenting network, in which we are all doing our best to take care of the amazing little creatures that are our children. What makes you feel better on your more difficult days?

As always, thank you for reading. 

Documentary: "The Business of Being Born"

In 2009, I came across a documentary that kind of blew my mind. It's called "The Business of Being Born" (BoBB) and not only can you see the trailer here, but you can actually watch the whole movie for free here! In short, it's a documentary about birth in the USA, both in and out of hospitals. If you haven't seen it, check it out. Although the documentary focuses on the US, a lot of the issues explored ring true internationally (as always, the best thing to do is to check out numbers and statistics for your own country, which is not so hard with a search engine.)

When I first saw BoBB, there were several interesting points that came up, but probably what made the strongest impression on me was that today's common, Western expectations surrounding birth are (surprise surprise!) shaped by cultural and social assumptions rooted in history, a history that I knew nothing about. For instance, how did we end up thinking that lying on our backs with our legs spread apart is a good birth position? What did women do before birthing in a hospital became standard practice? How did we get to epidurals? BoBB looks closely at how, beginning in the 20th century, birth moved from the private space of homes to the private sector of hospitals. In addition, this documentary turns a spotlight on how hospital procedures around birth are not centered around mothers but around a business that has much to do with income, prestige, predictability and speed. It can be a tough film to watch, but one I highly recommend, especially before you are even pregnant (I firmly believe that most of your birthing learning should happen before you are pregnant, so that you are not trying to do a crash course in everything you need to know while struggling to stay awake/stay seated for more than 5 minutes/hold your pee/think of something other than what you will have for breakfast, lunch and dinner.)

It was BoBB that woke me up to the importance of making informed decisions when in came to birth. This, and a general distrust of hospitals due to the high rates of infections, missed diagnoses, and interventions on several of the women whom I have known to give birth in hospitals in the past years. (As a thought experiment, just for yourself, it might be interesting to think about how many women you know who have given birth without any form of intervention - this includes pain killers, induction, emergency Cesarean, episiotomy, blood transfusions, forceps or ventouse delivery. I can only think of 2 out of about 30 women.)

Now, before going any further, I would like to say that hospitals are great for emergencies. Even BoBB makes that clear. And not only that, but if upon entering a hospital you feel yourself relax and soften with the trust you have in that institution, than a hospital might be a great place for you to give birth in. Yet whether you like hospitals or not, the idea of learning about what a hospital is designed to do is crucial, and BoBB addresses some of the more important issues in this regard, like the standard hospital procedures around birth and some of the ways things could be different if approached from another perspective.

Among the people who speak in the documentary is the lovely Marsden Wagner MD. If you don't have time to watch BoBB, you might like to check out this interview with him. (My favorite question/answer starts at 2.25, with the difference between being a scientist and a surgeon.)

And of course, there is my favorite: Ina May Gaskin. (Imagine a few emoticons with hearts for eyes and a big, goofy smile.) This is the second time I mention her, and eventually I will write a more complete post on her and the midwives at the Farm, but for the time being know that she is in the documentary and worth getting to know. When I came across Ina May in BoBB, all there was on Youtube was this series of videos, which quickly cover some gems like why it can be nice to kiss while in labour and the wonderful sphincter law. I still love them, but nowadays there is much more available online! If you don't do some research yourself, I will give you more links to her talks the next time around.

Ruben is up and I need to turn the roast that D has put in the oven. 
Good bye for now and thank you for reading.

Thank you D!; or What About the Dad?

I've been thinking about what to write next, especially as I itch to introduce Ina May Gaskin to the blog, but then this evening, as I was feeding Ruben to sleep, D (my partner) spoke in the microphone of our baby monitor: "Is everything OK?" And it hit me: I must write about D! (Or rather, about my gratitude towards him as a partner, my expectations as a mother, and the need for more support for fathers in our nuclear family system.)

While the baby monitor is designed to monitor the sounds of your baby (and with Ruben, by "sounds" I mean cries only. No, up to now our son has never woken up calmly gurgling to himself or making cute cooing noises. If he wakes up and he's alone, he's unhappy and he makes it clear), our baby monitor has a the added "Talk" feature on the receiver (which you keep on you as a parent) so that you can soothe your baby with the sounds of your voice. Soothing Ruben with the sound of our voice has actually only started to work for us, like, today. BUT, hidden perk of the Talk function: ever since we've had the monitor, D and I have been able to be in touch with each other even when we were on different floors and without screaming at the top of our lungs. Especially in the early days, this usually meant I would be in bed with Ruben and David would be downstairs in our kitchen taking some sort of food/drink order from yours truly. The baby monitor became the B and D Special Communication Device, and even though we don't use it as much these days, my heart softens a little bit whenever D checks in on Ruben and I.

In fact, in those challenging, exhausting, exhilarating early days, D didn't just bring me food and drinks. He became my primary carer. During the first week, when I wanted to calmly get to know our new baby without too many visitors and too much interference, D became our guardian. Whenever I breastfed and thirst would overcome me, I would mercilessly demand water - immediately! When I needed Ruben to relax upstairs, D would bring up the Pilates ball so that I could bounce our baby to sleep. When I cried silent tears as Ruben wailed in mysterious discomfort during the late evenings, D would sometimes just sit in the same room as me, watching me bounce up and down (a recurring theme in Ruben's life until relatively recently), smiling and telling me what a great job I was doing. In other words, when Ruben was born, all of my energies became invested in him and, in turn, I needed D's energies to support me in my new, 24/7 job. And while I don't think D was quite prepared for becoming my full time carer, he did a marvellous job of it.

All this said, the transition from 2 to 3 did not come easy! While the hormonal cocktail that I had in circulation from the pregnancy, through birth, and with breastfeeding, primed me towards wanting to take full care of Ruben, D had no such physiological predisposition towards me. About five weeks after Ruben was born, I remember an exhausted D telling me he didn't feel considered in our relationship anymore. At the time, I almost bit his head off! I remember thinking: "99% of my energies go into keeping this new baby alive, then MAYBE I can take a moment to center myself! How am I supposed to take care of YOU as well?!?! Aaaaaghhhh!" It took a lot of breathing and trying to put myself in his shoes to realise: Ruben had me, I had D, but there was no one there for D! How to deal with this lack of support in our family?

In 2013, I started training to become a Doula (a birth and post-natal informed companion to new parents), and one of the main tenants of my training is that the Mother/Baby Dyad is the most crucial relationship to protect and support after the birth. In other words, I believe in mothering the mother. Before my Doula training, I remember thinking I would want to share childcare equally with the father of my children. Yet a few books and studies later, I realised that that model wouldn't work for me, and when I became pregnant I found myself prepared to become fully dedicated to the little creature growing inside my belly.  Coming from this perspective, when Ruben arrived in our lives I was pretty clear in regards to my preferences: I wanted D to be our guardian, our protector and carer, so that I may get to know our son and tune into him as much as possible. In other words, I wanted to be a Monkey Mama, my baby strapped to me, and my partner by my side helping me on my mothering quest.

Where did all this leave D? As the loving and open companion he is, D supported me in my choices and preferences surrounding pregnancy, birth and childcare, yet my learning did not prepare me to understand his new position. Unlike my mother, who was taught to take care of her husband even as she raised her daughters (this involved a lot of ironing and cooking), I expected D to do the cooking and the cleaning up as I fed, rocked, soothed, and responded to Ruben around the clock. That was that, and just as I was ready to put all of myself into our baby, I expected D to dedicate himself to me for those first few months. It turns out, it's all easier said than done. (As I recently told my sister: "It's so much work. No, really, you have no idea. So. Much. Work.")

The division of labour that D and I fell into when Ruben was born is quite a radical shift in the way parenting has been done for many generations in both of our families. Our parenting choice was made all the more challenging by the fact that we live away from our parents, so that there was no one to give D a break every now and then. Yet our situation is not unique, and more and more I encounter parents who are creating their own version of what "shared parenting" means. Inevitably, in these new family formations, fathers are playing a bigger role in the care of the baby and the mother, and this leaves me wondering: what about the Dad? Even in the traditional role as "the provider," fathers usually don't have as much support as they might need. Could it be that greater support for fathers might decrease the experience of the competition for attention and care with the newborn? And if so, what could support and care for new fathers look like?

I believe the question of how a new father gets attended to is actually quite powerful and possibly the cause for one of the oldest false competitions within traditional heterosexual families: the competition for the mother's attention between the baby and the father. In fact, although I am Italian and this perceived conflict is quite familiar to me (my father's main concern regarding co-sleeping is the detriment to the intimacy between the couple - a concern on which I see it more like this), as you saw I come from a rather radically different perspective on the whole thing. I believe that if fathers were sufficiently supported within a family unit, a baby would not have to be perceived as a threat to the relationship.

Here in Oxford, parents and carers are lucky to be surrounded by many different baby centered support groups (from Children Centres to Baby Cafes, to La Leche League meetings, NCT groups, and both free and paid for classes.) In my experience, these groups are mostly attended by mothers, and they are a wonderful way to feel less alone and to put the challenges of parenting a young baby into perspective. Yet I rarely see fathers attending, and there are probably multiple reasons why.

Alternatively to local groups, there are Dad centered websites which have a strong presence online. In just a few minutes of research,  I came across several blogs that address the Dad's experience, such as Dad's Adventure and New Dad's Blog. There are plenty more, and I would love to hear if you have suggestions. Overall, however, I still wonder about how we can start to imagine  ways to recognize and appreciate the challenging role that a Dad has within a family, especially a new Dad. 

Today's post is an attempt to acknowledge my partner's work of love, which was shaped by my strong desire to mother and be mothered. Now that the waters have calmed a bit and that I have a little more time to be with myself, I often feel great gratitude for D's relentless support over the past year and a half (going back to the pregnancy.) I wanted to share our story (at least part of it), because I think there are many other couples out there who might be struggling with the difficulties of rearranging their relationship around a baby - I send you my heartfelt good wishes and hope you can find support in this earthquake of a transition!*

Thank you for reading and be well.

* I recently described my relationship to my son and my husband like this: "It's like the baby is a whirling dervish, so full of energy, spinning and spinning in circles, and you and your partner are holding hands, trying to move with the spinning baby, making sure he doesn't bump into anything and get hurt, but trying to allow him full range of motion. And while all that is happening, you are still trying to hold hands and hold on to each other. Sometimes it's easier, sometimes a hand slips, but if you are lucky, you just get stronger and stronger in your hold. "

PS 
My good friend Ruti Levtov gave me this lovely heads up: www.men-care.org 

2 Blogs for the Early Days (and Onwards...)

One of the reasons it's taken me a while to get started on this blog, is that there are a couple of wonderful blogs already in existence out there, full of interesting and useful information. I remember how reassuring and helpful it was to be able to browse them in the early days of Ruben's life!

The first blog is www.kellymom.com. The American based author of this blog has put together an exhaustive collection of articles, links, studies, and more, on a wide range of topics surrounding breastfeeding and parenting. The blog is easily searchable by category or by keyword. For instance, under the "Breastfeeding" section, the heading "Got Milk?" opens up a page with 25 different questions that you might have and need answering to (click here to check them out.) I found www.kellymom.com easy to search on my smartphone and sometimes, while bouncing on a yoga ball at 3.30 am with Ruben over my shoulder, hoping he would burp or fart or do whatever he needed to do in order to relax back into sleep, I would browse around and read up on how to deal with engorgement or Ruben's green poos. And that's what you call multi-tasking (and worrying over the crazy sh*t - sometimes literally - that comes up in the first few weeks of caring for a tiny and beautiful human being.)

The second lovely blog that kept me company during the early days, and to which I now return often, is the articulate and funny www.analyticalarmadillo.com. Like my blog, the Analytical Armadillo is hosted by blogspot, so you can search it through the search box or the categories menu (scroll down a bit to find it on the right hand side.) Here you will find the voice of an informed and opinionated Mama who is on top of the latest research and is not afraid to get into a passionate conversation with any non-evidence based advice (especially when it comes from self-labeled "experts"!) Here is one of my favorite examples, a post on why comfort feeding on the boob is actually a valuable practice. The Analytical Armadillo is based in the UK, so some of her posts are specific to what's going on here (see, for instance, the creepy invasion of corporation Bounty in the hospitals: "That Innocent Little Bounty Pack...")

A word on reading and learning. There are, of course, so many more blogs, books and resources both online and in printed versions. My advice is to find a voice that works for you. When you are reading, trust your intuition. If it feels like you enjoy what you are learning, if what you are discovering "makes sense" to you, to your way of life, to how you would like to raise your baby, then go for it! But if there is a little part of you that resists, that doesn't feel quite right, if the author makes you feel uncomfortable or disempowered in any way, then forget it! I remember my mother's well-intentioned gift of Tracy Hogg's "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer", in the hope that the book would make it easier for me to get through the first few months (See Kellymom's review of the book here.) I started reading it and after just a couple of pages I remember wondering: "Oh man, am I doing it all wrong? Routine? Routine? How can I get Ruben on a routine? It seems impossible, but Hogg sounds so sure..." That's when I put the book down. We were co-sleeping and basically doing everything "baby led" (more on that in future posts), and her system just didn't jive with ours! Luckily I soon came across other resources that supported my intuitive response to Ruben and empowered me to feel good in my choices.

So read and learn while trusting your self! Pregnancy and baby advice comes from all around when you are in that world. Showers of it, in fact, and it can hit you hard in the most vulnerable of places ("What? Your 8 week old isn't sleeping through the night yet? That's strange...") That kind of comment, and thousands of others, can leave you feeling like you don't know what you are doing. I believe that is the WORSE possible scenario. Mothers, and parents, all around the world should be empowered to make well-informed decisions and to take care of their children from a place of knowledge and personal trust. So find yourself some good, evidence based support for your choices, and let everything else slide by :-).

That is all for now, thank you for reading and all good wishes your way!

Bump!

I am a 31 years old Mamma living in Oxford, UK, and all around me it seems like women are getting pregnant, birthing babies, or, at the very least, thinking about it. If you have spoken to me in the last 8.5 months (or since Ruben has made his appearance into my world), you have a generally good idea of how invested I have become in the world of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and child development. And since I am a hungry reader and a passionate lady, during our latest conversation my interests probably translated into a flood of information. (I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to those new moms and moms to be to whom I have "offered" a long list of books, websites, blogs and organizations without necessarily being asked. Thank you for bearing with me.) I am starting this blog in order to get some of my thoughts and suggestions out there without having to overwhelm every other person I speak to. 

The title of this blog, "Learning With Ruben", is  in recognition of the fact that mothering is very much a work in progress,  a wild experiment that is the result of my interaction with the Unique Mr. Ruben. I cannot imagine I would do nearly as much reading and learning if this were my second, or eighth, child, so I am also paying tribute to the incredible work and learning curve that takes place for a first time mother. I hope some of the excitement and amazement that comes with my first parenting adventure will seep into my writing and inspire those reading (again, as opposed to flooding anyone within ear shot with the expanding galaxy of baby centered information within my brain.)

My first entry is dedicated to the lovely author Kate Evans, who has just come out with what I consider the BEST illustrated book on pregnancy: "Bump, how to make, grow, and birth a baby."  If you are thinking of having children, or have recently found out you are pregnant, this is my #1, top of the list, book suggestion for you. I enjoyed "Bump" so much that when I read it earlier this year I dreamt it could be used as a text book for Sex Education all around the world. It's only written in English so far (and some of its sections are specific to the UK and the National Healthcare Sytem), but for the most part it could work internationally. The beautiful comics and the honest humor with which Evans writes are definitely accessible to a young adult audience, and the information she shares is offered in a format that is easy to digest and multi-layered at the same time.

"Bump" covers everything from how to get to know your body for conception and contraception (Evans does a great job of illustrating the relatively simple Fertility Awareness Method), through the physiology behind getting pregnant, birth (both medicalized and not), miscarriage, abortion, and many other topics. The book is visually delightful, informative, and often hilarious. Yet while Evans brings lightness and humor to a very charged topic, her book is also based on up to date research. This means that while "Bump" is evidence based, it is very personal in tone and easy to read. Check out a chapter from the book here (although the preview chapter is of a healthy birth without intervention, in "Bump" Evans covers many different scenarios, including Emergency Cesareans and the use of pain killers during labour.) If this all sounds good, check it out!

Ruben calls, this must be it for now! I look forward to the next entry. In fact, if there's any particular topic that you would like me to focus on or if you have any questions, please get in touch!

With all good wishes,
B